


Five Times Emily Prentiss Doesn't Know That JJ Is Her Girlfriend (And One Time She Does)

by SloanGreyMercyDeath



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/F, It took a really long time, also JJ is the top in this relationship and that's just facts, basically everyone but Emily knows that she and jj are in a serious relationship, but - Freeform, but everyone knows it and no one judges her for it, but like she pretends that she doesn't have feelings, here we are!, she's just a dumb lesbian with a lot of feelings, this is my first 5/1 story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:28:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26732116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SloanGreyMercyDeath/pseuds/SloanGreyMercyDeath
Summary: Emily has a hard time with her feelings and JJ has an oblivious girlfriend.
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Emily Prentiss
Comments: 57
Kudos: 509





	1. Time One

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, yes, I write Jemily fic now. Feel free to send requests to Maybesomedaysameen on tumblr!

Emily Prentiss is a very good profiler. She can pick up subtle hints, get information from anyone, and solve the most complicated crimes. After 10 years, in the FBI, she’s confident that she can solve any case. However, when it comes to matters of the heart? Well, she’s a little inexperienced.

Despite her troubled past, Emily hasn’t had any formal relationships. She might sleep with the same woman for a few days in a row, but that’s about it. It doesn’t bother her. She has good friends and never has to sacrifice alone time. She has privacy, no one to miss when she’s away on a case, and she never has to worry about hurting someone’s feelings.

For the past couple of months, Emily hasn’t been picking up girls in bars. Ever since the Tobias Hankel case, she and JJ have been sleeping together. Her run in with those dogs scared her and Emily had been more than willing to help her through it. After that, they started spending a few nights a week together. It isn’t anything serious and Emily is fine with that.

She likes spending time with JJ and the sex is always amazing. That’s enough for her. Besides, she’s pretty sure JJ is still talking to that New Orleans detective, _Will._ Emily knows he’s a nice guy, but she can’t stop herself from being annoyed by it. At some point, JJ is going to call off their arraignment so she can be serious with Will instead.

Emily takes another drink as she watches JJ smile at her phone. A rare night off means the whole team is at their favorite bar. Like most other ‘team bonding’ nights, Emily, Hotch, and Garcia are gathered around a tall cocktail table downing beer after beer. They’re already well on their way to drunk. Spencer’s usual nerd gang crowds another table, Morgan is surrounded by several college girls, and JJ is beating two handsome men at darts.

Emily turns away as one of the men puts his hand on JJ’s arm and pulls her attention back to the game. They didn’t talk about going home together, so she isn’t going to hold her breath. Of course, she wants to take JJ home, but Emily knows she doesn’t have a say in what JJ does. She notices Garcia and Hotch giving her thoughtful looks and frowns.

“What?”

“Nothing!” Penelope answers quickly. “Nothing at all…” She buries her face in her glass and glances over at Hotch.

He smirks, his own glass already empty. “You should go rescue JJ from those guys before they get too handsy.”

“She’s fine,” Emily tells him, stopping herself from looking at JJ again. “She can handle herself.”

“But can they handle her?” Garcia jokes. She puts down her empty glass and gives Emily an exaggerated pout. “It’s your round, my clearly jealous friend.”

“Jealous?” Scoffing, Emily swirls the last of her beer around the bottom of her glass. “Of JJ? I have no interest in being manhandled by a pair of frat boys.”

Garcia and Hotch share an amused look as Emily finishes off her beer. She pretends not to see it and snatches their glasses away, pivoting on her heel and heading for the bar. She passes Morgan, dodging his hand when he tries to slap her ass. Her playful glare gets her a cheeky grin and she can’t be mad at him.

As soon as she puts the glasses down on the bar, Carla, their favorite bartender, appears in front of her. She’s tall and lean with a mane of curly blonde hair. She’s definitely what Penelope would call ‘delicious.’

“Hey, beautiful,” she greets Emily, taking the glasses and dropping them into the sink behind the bar. “You just can’t stay away.”

“From you? Never.”

They laugh at each other and Emily slides onto an empty bar stool to wait for their refills. She looks toward the dart board, but the bar is packed and she can’t see JJ. It’s probably for the best. Emily is just drunk enough to do something embarrassing.

She and JJ had never talked about keeping their hook-ups secret, but they haven't announced them either. From Hotch and Garcia’s not-so-sly look, Emily could guess the entire team knows. It isn’t a big deal. There’s no real rule against socialization and they’ve proven it doesn’t impact their work.

Carla places the three beers in front of her and leans on the bar. “Your tab?”

Emily nods. “Yup. Next one is on Garcia. Don’t let her trick you.”

“Can I convince you to drink yours here?” she asks hopefully. Carla gives her a flirty wink. “I miss our little talks.”

Emily grins, flattered by the offer. JJ is otherwise occupied and Emily could use a break to clear her head. “You know…”

Carla sees something over Emily’s shoulder and pales. “Uh, nevermind.”

Watching her hurry away down the bar, Emily blinks, confused. What just happened? Carla just walked away right when Emily was going to agree. Shrugging, she gathers the three pint glasses in her hands and starts back toward the table. 

She gives Morgan a wide berth on the return trip, meeting his grin with her own. When she’s clear of his wandering hands, she focuses on making it back to the table without spilling anything or falling over. To her surprise, JJ joined the group. She’s laughing at something Garcia is saying, holding an almost empty glass of white wine.

“Oh!” Emily groans, setting the drinks on the table. “I would have gotten you another drink!”

“With your third hand?” JJ teases, bumping their hips together. “I should stop drinking anyway. You look well on your way to useless and that means I have to drive us home.”

The table chuckles and Emily toasts JJ with her drink. She’s a little surprised that JJ spoke so openly about going home together, but she wasn’t going to miss an opportunity to get JJ in her bed. Garcia and Hotch don’t seem surprised at all. JJ takes a sip of her wine, looking over her shoulder at the two men she’d left at the dart board. 

“Poor guys,” she sighs, sounding completely unapologetic. “They spent the whole night competing for my attention. Oh well.”

Garcia slaps JJ’s shoulder. “You dog! You haven’t spent a dime tonight, have you?”

Shimmying her shoulders, JJ grins triumphantly. “Nope!”

Hotch snorts. “What’d you say when you left?”

“That I enjoyed the game, but I have an incredibly hot girlfriend and she has a gun.”

“That’ll do it,” Emily mutters, chuckling. She almost feels bad for the guys, but knowing that JJ chose her over them makes her heart race. Telling herself that she _isn’t_ jealous and she _doesn’t_ have feelings for JJ, she just thinks about the wonderful drunk sex they were about to have. “Poor guys, indeed.”

The team changes the subject and Emily focuses on finishing her drink so she and JJ can leave. As she drinks, she tries not to overanalyze JJ’s ‘girlfriend’ comment. After all, how many times has she used a fake boyfriend as an excuse to get away? It makes sense for JJ to say ‘girlfriend’ because she’s going to leave with Emily.

Still it was kind of nice to think of JJ as her girlfriend. Emily might avoid starting new relationships, but she and JJ were already close. If they dated and broke up later, they could probably go back to being friends. Emily shook her head, pulling herself out of her thoughts. JJ is a confident woman and if she wants to be in a relationship with Emily, then she’ll say something.

A gentle hand wraps around her bicep and soft lips brush against her ear. “Let’s get out of here,” JJ whispers. “I want to take you home.”

“Ok,” Emily squeaks. She clears her throat and then chugs her drink. “See you losers tomorrow.”

She doesn’t wait for a response from Hotch and Garcia. She just grabs JJ’s hand and leads her out of the bar. Behind her, JJ is laughing, the sound like music to Emily’s ears. With all the awful things they see, it feels like an act of defiance to laugh.

They get to JJ’s car and Emily spins around, pressing JJ against the driver’s side door, keeping her in place with her own body. Long, strong arms wrap around Emily’s neck and pull her head close. Emily sighs happily against JJ’s mouth before kissing her quickly.

“Hey, _girlfriend,_ ” Emily murmurs, only pulling back enough to talk. “You shouldn’t toss a word like that around. A lady might get ideas.”

Kissing her again, JJ slides her hands down the front of Emily’s shirt, squeezing her breasts before continuing her journey down to Emily’s body and sliding her hands into the back pockets of her jeans. Her tongue slips into Emily’s mouth, drawing out a low moan. Despite the cool, fall air, Emily’s body grows hot.

Tearing her mouth away, JJ turns her head, giving Emily access to her throat. “I love when you have ideas,” JJ manages to say. She’s clearly distracted by the way Emily’s mouth is sucking on her neck. “My girlfriend has the best ideas.”

Emily isn’t sure when JJ decided to start joking about being girlfriends, but she isn’t complaining. She can roleplay as well as the next girl. Tomorrow, they’ll go back to being friends-with-benefits, but tonight? Tonight, she has a girlfriend who deserves to be treated right.


	2. Time Two

As soon as they step out of the car in front of the Miami police department, Emily is ready to move to Alaska. The wet heat is making her sweat from every pore and she’s pretty sure her hair is the frizziest it’s ever been. The subzero chill of Alaska sounds so good. Not to mention that if she was in Alaska, she’d be as far from William LaMontagne as humanly possible without leaving the country.

Right now, he’s shaking JJ’s hand and they’re smiling at each other, months of texting and talking behind their gazes. Emily wants to strangle him. She doesn’t and, when he pulls JJ aside on the stairwell, she starts preparing herself to lose her lover. Because, sure, they’ve been sleeping together for six months, but if JJ doesn’t have feelings for her, then how can Emily ask her not to date Will?

When JJ and Will walk into the station a couple minutes later, maintaining an awkward distance, Emily knows that something happened. JJ spots her across the station and practically sprints over. Raising an eyebrow, she sticks a smile on her face and shoves down the sick feeling in her stomach.

“Will asked me on a date,” JJ tells her immediately. Her eyes scan the room, taking in Reid as he sets up the whiteboard. Morgan, Rossi, and Hotch are talking in the conference room. “I mean, he asked me to get coffee with him tonight, but we know what that means.”

“What did you say?” Emily asks, heading over to the boys.

JJ gives her a weird look, but Hotch starts bringing them up to speed before she can answer. The rest of the day is a blur, with another murder and even more Will. Before she knows it, Emily is in her hotel room, laying on her bed naked and staring at the ceiling. Even with the air-conditioning, she’s overheated. Hotch made the team take a six-hour break to rest up, but she’s pretty sure she’s not going to get any sleep.

She isn’t sure why she’s not happy that her _thing_ with JJ is over. Now she can go back to picking up women at bars and staying unattached. Isn’t that for the best? Emily doesn’t want to settle down with anyone. She likes knowing that she could leave at any moment and hurt absolutely no one.

But for some reason, she’s the one hurting. All she can picture is Will’s grimy hands all over JJ’s perfect body. Emily should be the only person touching JJ, the only name she says. Emily is the one that loves her.

She gasps loudly, sitting up with a bolt. She’s in love with JJ. That’s what all this is about. The sick feeling she gets when she sees JJ and Will talking, the anger that makes her heart race when JJ laughs at something he says, even just the trouble Emily has sleeping when JJ isn’t in her bed - it’s because she’s in love. With a groan, she falls back again, hitting the bed with a heavy thump.

This is just her luck. She realizes she’s fallen in love with JJ at the same time JJ starts dating Will. If Emily had figured it out before, she might have… what? Confessed to JJ? She wasn’t going to do that. Especially, if she didn’t know that JJ loved her back. How cliche is it to fall in love with your fuck buddy?

So, she needs to think of a plan. At least the sex would stop, so she’d have a better chance of getting over her. Hearing about Will would hurt for a while, but it would also be a constant reminder that JJ wasn’t hers anymore. Not that she’d ever really been hers. 

Emily just wishes that she had more time to prepare. She didn’t know the last time they had sex would be the _last_ time. She would have savored it if she’d known, burned JJ’s taste into her memory, the way she looked when she came. Now Emily just has to hope it all lingers.

The door beeps and opens. Emily jumps to her feet, grabbing her gun off her side table and pointing it at the intruder. It’s JJ, holding her go bag.

“Hey!” JJ says, laughing at Emily’s paranoia. “Don’t shoot. It’s just me.”

Emily lowers her gun immediately, feeling stupid. The door had beeped because the person entering had a key. Now, she was standing there naked, holding a gun.

“Sorry.”

JJ’s eyes flick over her and she smirks, closing the door behind her. “Don’t apologize. You look hot.”

“I feel hot,” Emily answers, wiping her forehead. “It’s got to be a hundred degrees in here.”

“You’ll be able to feel the AC soon.” JJ tosses her go bag on the ground and heads for the bathroom. “I’ll be right back.”

Watching her disappear into the bathroom, Emily sits back on the bed. She puts her gun on the side table and picks up a hairtie. As she ties her hair up into a ponytail, she wonders why JJ is there. 

They usually share a hotel room on cases, but Emily was expecting to spend tonight alone. Didn’t Will ask her out to coffee? Maybe that’s why she was late. Dropping her hands into her lap, Emily looks down at her hands. Is this their last night together? Or will JJ torture her and keep sleeping in her bed?

Emily lays back down, trying to cool off. She just has to make it through tonight and then she can ask Hotch to pair her with Morgan instead. She has one more night of falling asleep in JJ’s arms and then she would make herself forget the feeling.

The door to the bathroom opens again and JJ exits, her clothing gone. Emily’s head drops to the side, taking in JJ’s soft curves and sharp muscle. This is a cruel way to tease her.

“You ok with getting a little hotter?” JJ asks her, sauntering toward her, blue eyes dark. Her mouth curls up in a smile. “We’ve got a few hours. Plenty of time for a shower later.”

Emily bites her lip. She knows that she should say no and start the distancing process now, but JJ’s naked, sweating body is coming closer, her hair sticking to her neck and shoulders. It’s so, so tempting and Emily was just thinking about how she wishes she’d known it was their last time. JJ is giving her that now.

“I can take the heat,” she mumbles as JJ puts a knee on the bed beside her and swings her leg over Emily to sit on her hips. “Can you?”

JJ grins down at her, pulling her hairtie off her wrist and tying her hair back. “I’m happy we have more time than usual. I was worried we’d have to do it in a supply closet at the station.”

Emily laughs at the comment even as her heart clenches. JJ looks like a goddess above her, tanned skin glistening with sweat and pink lips parted. Once she finishes with her hair, Emily grabs her waist and rolls them over, covering JJ’s body with her own.

Their slick bodes stick together and JJ’s hands practically burn as she clutches Emily’s hips and tugs them close. Staring down at JJ’s flushed face, Emily watches as JJ’s pupils expand with need, looking up at Emily with affection and desire. If this is the last time Emily gets to touch JJ like this, she’s going to make the most of it.

She crashes their lips together, drinking in JJ’s surprised gasp. JJ’s hands scratch at her back painfully, nails digging into sensitive skin. Emily moans loudly, the pain sending heat straight between her legs. Even from underneath, JJ is in control, driving Emily crazy.

Emily kisses her desperately, tongue slipping into JJ’s mouth. She feels like she could cry, knowing that this isn’t going to happen again. Running her hands up JJ’s sides, she brushes her thumbs against the underside of her breasts, drawing out a soft groan and swallowing it down.

Every small noise JJ makes spurs Emily on. Pulling her mouth away, she sucks in a deep breath and then starts pressing kisses along JJ’s jaw. The taste of JJ’s sweat is addicting. Emily needs more of it, so she suckles JJ’s neck, tongue dipping into her collarbone and the divot at the base of her neck. JJ whimpers, nails sinking into Emily’s back further.

“Emily,” JJ sighs, shifting so a thigh slides between Emily’s legs. She takes Emily’s hips in her hands, gently moving them against her firm thigh. “What do you want me to do to you?”

Riding JJ’s thigh, Emily shuts her eyes at how good it feels. She knows she’s making JJ’s skin even wetter and the thought that JJ will smell like her spurs her on. Brushing her lips against JJ’s ear, she lets out a moan, listening for the responding gasp.

“I want you to touch me,” she answers, grinding down harder. “I want you inside me.”

“What else?”

Emily forces herself to lift herself off of JJ’s leg and move down her body. She grips JJ’s thighs and spreads them, settling against her hips. She can feel JJ’s heat against her stomach. It feels so good to know that she affects JJ like this, makes her wet. Emily drops her head to JJ’s breast, kissing a tight, pink nipple.

“I want you to mark me. Bite me. Bruise me.”

She licks JJ’s nipple, taking it into her mouth. JJ’s hand lands on Emily’s head and shoves her down to where she needs Emily’s tongue the most. Emily obliges and abandons JJ’s breast to scoot down the bed.

JJ’s smell fills her senses and she pushes her face close, trying to burn it into her memory. She dips her tongue into JJ’s entrance, earning herself a soft gasp. A strong hand wraps around her ponytail, pulling Emily’s hair and holding her in place. Her hips ride Emily’s tongue.

“Emily,” JJ gasps, free hand clutching her breast. “God, you’re so good at this.”

The complement spurs Emily on and she switches her attention to JJ’s clit, tongue drawing random patterns to make her squirm. She thrusts two fingers into JJ, savoring the loud, surprised moan that bursts from JJ’s lips. Emily curls her fingers, hitting right where JJ needs.

“How are you so good?” JJ asks, voice strangled. “God, Emily. You’re going to kill me.”

If Emily’s mouth was free, she would ask ‘then why are you leaving me?’ but it isn’t. Instead, she keeps working, drawing whimpers and gasps and making JJ squirm. She touches her as if it will make her stay, like Emily can give her an orgasm so intense that she’ll forget all about Will.

JJ comes against her mouth, hips moving frantically, trying to draw it out. Obediently, Emily doesn’t stop until JJ is tugging sharply on her ponytail, forcing her away. With a content sigh, Emily sits up, looking down at JJ’s flushed chest and wiping her face. 

The only thing she can smell is JJ and she takes deep breaths, memorizing the smell. She knows that it will haunt her no matter what she does. It’s her favorite smell in the world.

JJ is looking up at her with hooded eyes, pushing her hands into her hair. “Wow,” she says, a grin spreading across her face. “I thought you’d be tired after today.”

“I’m never too tired for you.”

Narrowing her eyes, JJ just looks at her for a moment. “That’s unusually sentimental of you. Is something wrong?”

Emily hesitates. This is her opportunity to tell JJ she loves her. She could ask her not to date Will. She could ask her to stay. Instead, Emily feels herself shut down and she just smiles, tilting her head.

“What’s wrong,” she says, putting her hands on either side of JJ’s head and leaning in close, “is the fact that I told you to bite me and I’m still unbit.”

JJ doesn’t look entirely convinced, but she isn’t about to let Emily talk to her like that. “Just for that, I’m keeping my teeth to myself.”

Five hours later, they walk back into the police station, freshly showered and completely unrested. Will immediately approaches JJ and Emily heads into the conference room so they can talk. It brings her some ironic pleasure to know that JJ is talking to Will less than an hour after having her head buried between Emily’s legs. She clings to that as she tries not to think about losing JJ.

The case wraps up quickly after that. They find out Detective Luvet was gay and that leads them to Steven Fitzgerald. Derek manages to talk him down and then they’re all back at the police station. Emily is watching JJ give Will Luvet’s personal effects. She can’t hear what they’re saying, but they’re both smiling.

At least she got to be with JJ one last time. That’s what she tells herself anyway. Even though she’s kind of happy to have that closure, she’s a little bit angry at JJ, too. Why wouldn’t JJ be honest with her and tell her that she and Will are together now? Is it really closure if JJ doesn’t actually break it off with her?

Will and JJ wave goodbye and Emily rolls her eyes. Are they really going to pretend that nothing is happening? As Will walks away, JJ looks around the room. She sees Emily watching them and smiles, walking over. Emily takes a deep breath and smiles at JJ.

“So, that’s it?” she asks her.

JJ nods. “Yeah. I think he understands.”

“That’s good.” Emily sticks her hands into her pockets. “You should go for him.”

“What?” JJ looks at her like she’s crazy. “What?”

Emily shrugs. “You’d make a cute couple.”

Rolling her eyes, JJ smacks Emily’s shoulders. “Don’t be an idiot, Prentiss. I told him the truth.”

“The truth?”

“I’m unavailable,” JJ tells her, grinning. “Can’t date him.”

Emily’s heart swells and she can’t stop herself from grinning back. So, JJ and Will weren’t dating. Her heart races as relief fills her body, making her shoulders slump and her adrenaline leave her. She didn’t even know how tired she is until right now. Being upset that JJ was dating Will must have kept her going, but now she feels like she could fall asleep on her feet.

JJ hooks her arm in Emily’s elbow, smiling up at her. Emily tries not to read into it. She’d always thought that JJ was bi, not a lesbian, but maybe she was wrong. If JJ is ‘unavailable’ to Will, then she must be a lesbian. Emily feels a little bit silly for being jealous that JJ talks to so many guys, but now she knows she has to be alert for other women.

Reminding herself that she doesn’t have a claim on JJ, she tries to let that jealousy go. It’s hard. She knows she’s in love with JJ now and that’s going to make it difficult to maintain her distance. Should she make an effort to sleep with JJ left? Morgan and Reid walk over to them and Emily decides to think about her feelings another time.

“Took him long enough to get the message,” Morgan says.

Reid snorts. “It’s been, what? Six months?”

“I have that effect on people,” JJ brags, tossing her hair over her shoulder. “I am glad he’s going to stop asking me out, though.”

“Wow,” Reid says, looking at Emily, “you look exhausted. Didn’t you rest when we had a break earlier?”

JJ and Morgan share a knowing look and burst out laughing. Morgan claps Reid on the shoulder, pulling him away. A yawn escapes Emily before she can stop it and JJ starts tugging on her arm, following after the boys.

“Come on,” she says, still laughing. “Let’s get you on the plane so you can sleep.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh no, Emily. You GOTTA figure your shit out! It won't be too long until JJ figures out what's wrong.


	3. Time Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realized what this story is about lmao

Once the plane lands back at Quantico, Emily tries to go to her desk to do her paperwork. She barely makes it to her desk before JJ is there, pulling open the bottom drawer and picking up Emily’s purse. She meets Emily’s annoyed glare with an understanding smile.

“No way,” JJ says, taking Emily’s hand and leading her to the exit. “I already talked to Hotch and he’s given both of us a few days off.”

Letting herself be dragged into the elevator, Emily frowns. “Both of us?” That surprises her enough that she doesn’t even refuse the break. “Why both of us?”

JJ laughs humorlessly, dropping Emily’s hand to wipe her eyes. “Maybe he knows that I need some time to recover, too.”

Emily isn’t sure what to say to that, so she says nothing. After the couple of days she had, she hasn’t even considered that something might have happened outside the compound, too. On the flight back, she focused on making sure that Reid didn’t blame himself for what Cyrus did to her. She didn’t ask if anything happened to the team outside.

She still has adrenaline coursing through her now, numbing the pain. In a couple of hours, she’ll probably get hit with all the hurt at once. It’ll be nice to have JJ there when that happens.

“I’m sorry,” JJ apologizes as the elevator opens and reveals the garage. “This isn’t about me. Let’s get you home.”

She pulls Emily’s keys out of her purse and unlocks the car. JJ’s eyes are rimmed with red and she looks so tired that Emily lets her open the passenger door and guide her into the car. When Emily is buckled, JJ walks back around to the driver’s seat and gets in.

It’s a 45 minute drive from Quantico to Dupont Circle where Emily lives and she messes with JJ the entire way, trying to get a smile out of her. Every time JJ turns the air-conditioning off, Emily turns it back on full blast. She plays Jimmy Buffet and then Toby Keith and then Papa Roach. When JJ stretches her hand to turn the music off, Emily sticks her fingers in her side.

By the time they get to the apartment, JJ is laughing and swatting Emily’s hands away. Even though her head is beginning to pound, Emily is happy to see that JJ has relaxed somewhat. JJ pulls into the building’s garage and parks in Emily’s spot with practiced ease. She usually drives when they go home together.

Throwing the car in park, JJ jumps out and hurries around to Emily’s side. She opens the door, unbuckles her, and helps her down. Emily can tell that JJ is feeling better, but there’s still something in her eyes that she doesn’t understand. Her headache is rapidly getting worse, so she makes a mental note to bring it up later.

JJ takes her hand again and they start for the elevator. It doesn’t take them long to get into Emily’s apartment and she drops down onto the couch with a grateful sigh. JJ puts their purses on the kitchen counter and goes into the bathroom to get the first aid kit.

Emily starts unbuttoning her shirt slowly, her body aching. There’s a pulsing pain in her side, sharp stinging along her forearms and a dull ache on her face. The medics did a cursory check on her after they’d gotten out of the compound and she didn’t have any broken bones, but that didn’t make anything hurt less.

She undoes the last button on her shirt and sighs. That’s about all the energy she had. JJ comes out of the bathroom with the kit just as Emily falls onto her side, landing on the couch with a soft thump. She sees JJ running towards her as she passes out.

When she wakes up again, she’s in bed. Her eyelids are heavy and it’s hard to open them. She takes a deep breath and listens to the soft voice she can hear from beside her.

“...And it’s just not fair. How am I supposed to care about some power hungry police commissioner when you’re inside a cult compound? I kept walking in circles just to look like I was doing something.”

Emily slowly opens her eyes, lashes fluttering against the light in the room. JJ gasps and leans over her, blonde hair falling like a curtain around her face. She looks like an angel, Emily thinks to herself, grinning like an idiot. JJ is a really strong angel who carried her up the stairs to her bedroom.

“Emily?” JJ asks breathlessly, tucking her hair behind her ears. “How are you feeling? I’ve bandaged up most of your injuries, but I obviously couldn’t give you painkillers while you were asleep.”

“I’m ok,” Emily tells her, pushing the blankets down. She tries to sit up, but groans in pain as her stomach protests the move. “Oh god. Help me up and then painkillers please.”

JJ wraps her arms around Emily and helps her sit up against the headboard. Once Emily is settled, she gives her a glass of water from her nightstand and a couple of pills. Emily takes them eagerly, gulping down the water and handing it back to JJ.

There’s something odd about JJ’s posture that Emily can’t quite place. On anyone else, she would think it was anger, but she can’t think of a reason that JJ would be angry. She watches JJ set the glass of water down and a second later, her face is stinging, the cuts and bruises on her face shooting pain through her.

Emily stares at JJ with her mouth open. “What the fuck?”

“I am so _angry_ at you,” JJ tells her, eyes filling with tears. “How dare you put yourself in danger like that?”

“Did you slap me?”

JJ winces, but her anger doesn’t fade. She’s kneeling beside Emily’s legs, glaring at her as she cries. “You can’t act like you're disposable,” JJ continues. “You’re not. I had to listen to you getting beaten and you just kept saying ‘I can take it’.” She swipes at her eyes, whisking tears away. “I know it was a message, but Jesus Christ, Emily! What if you couldn’t take it? What if he shot you? What if one of his kicks had broken your rib and punctured a lung? I can’t believe you just let yourself get beaten!”

“JJ,” Emily says softly, reaching out to rub her arm, “I’m ok. It’s just a part of the job. I had to protect those kids. I had to protect Reid.”

“What about you?” JJ looks into her eyes, desperate for answers. “Did you care about yourself at all?”

Emily can’t answer. The truth is that she didn’t think about herself for a second. As soon as Cyrus’ man pointed a gun at Reid, Emily said she was the agent. It never even occurred to her not to give herself up. After all, weren’t the kids more important? Isn’t Reid more important?

Drawing a shaking breath, JJ brushes her hair out of her face with trembling fingers. She pulls away from Emily and slides off the bed. She puts her hands on her hips and gives Emily a tired smile.

“Maybe we shouldn’t do this anymore,” JJ practically whispers. “Maybe this was a bad idea.”

Emily’s blood runs cold. The thought of losing JJ, even just the small piece of her that she has, is terrifying. It’s easy for JJ to walk away. To her, they’re just friends with benefits, but for Emily, it’s so much more than that. She loves her and she’s content with what little she gets. Losing that would break her heart.

“Jennifer,” Emily tries, heart in her throat, “let’s talk about this. _Please_.”

JJ rolls her eyes, wiping her nose. “Talk? You never want to talk.”

“Well, maybe I want to now.” She winces as she tries to sit up straight. “I guess I should have tried to talk to you before, too.”

“Yeah,” JJ snaps, “you should have.”

Emily isn’t quite sure what this conversation is about. JJ is upset because she got hurt inside the compound? Isn’t that just a part of the job? Is JJ angry that Emily didn’t… What? Ask her before she went on the case? JJ and Hotch were the ones who chose her for it. Didn’t that count as talking to her before? Apparently, Emily’s confusion is clear on her face because JJ softens and sits back down on the bed.

“I know that I can’t ask you not to take dangerous cases,” JJ says quietly, resting her hand on Emily’s leg, “but I need you to think about the people who care about you.” She smiles sadly, shoulders drooping. “Maybe… If you can’t care about yourself, can you care about me?”

“I do care about you,” Emily says, trying to convey the depth of her feelings for the other woman. “I care about you so much.”

JJ stretches her arms out, pressing her hands to the wall on either side of Emily’s head. She carefully straddles Emily’s thighs, keeping her weight on her knees and off of Emily. When she’s settled, she moves her hands and cups Emily’s face.

“I don’t know everything that’s happened to you,” she breathes, brushing her thumbs across Emily’s cheeks, “but I know that you don’t always prioritize your well-being. You care so much and so deeply, but you never turn it inward. I have a question for you.”

Emily blinks back hot tears, leaning her face into JJ’s palm. “What is it?”

“Will you let me care about you, Emily? Will you let me take care of you?”

“JJ…” Emily’s eyes start to fill with water, no amount of rapid blinking holding it back. Her heart clenches in her chest at the nervous look in JJ’s eyes. “Please,” Emily finally mumbles. She licks her lips, looking away. “Please care about me. For me. I can’t… I know I don’t deserve it, but I’ll do my best to earn it.”

JJ chuckles, pressing her forehead to Emily’s. “You don’t have to earn my affection, Emily. You already deserve it and you already have it. Just let me in sometimes. I’ll tell you my dirty secrets if you tell me yours.”

“Some of mine are _classified_ ,” she jokes, smiling. “I doubt you have the clearance.”

Raising an eyebrow, JJ pulls her head back and sticks her tongue out. “I’ll get Garcia on it.”

Fear swirls in Emily’s stomach at the idea of JJ learning about Doyle. Emily won’t make her a target. Even just this casual relationship puts her in danger. She knows that she should end it with JJ before she falls even further, before she’s the one that breaks. Still, she can’t imagine not having JJ in her life, or her bed, anymore.

“Promise me you won’t,” Emily says softly. “I know… I want you to trust me, but there are some things…”

“It’s ok.” JJ kisses her lightly. “I do trust you, and I trust you to tell me the truth when the time comes. For now, just be you and I’ll be me and we’ll be us. That’s enough.”

Emily wraps her arms around JJ’s waist and tugs her close. They kiss slowly, taking the time to show each other that they’re ok, that they’re together. Emily nips at JJ’s bottom lip, sucking it into her mouth. She can almost taste the vanilla chapstick that JJ always wears.

“I’ve never met someone like you before,” Emily sighs into JJ’s mouth. “You’re my best friend.”

“I’m a lot more than that,” JJ whispers. She runs her hands over the bandages around Emily’s ribs and presses lightly. Emily whimpers in pain, but her hips jerk up against JJ. “Have those painkillers kicked in yet?”


	4. Time Four

It's not that Emily hates the beach. She just has sensitive skin. Even with a liberal coating of SPF50, she'll burn after 20 minutes of direct sunlight. Most of her life was spent in cloudy countries, so she's never built a resistance to the sun's harsh rays.

As a result, she normally avoids the beach. However, after a difficult case in Los Angeles, the team decides a vacation day is necessary. Garcia suggested the beach and Emily almost protested, but then she thought about seeing JJ in the sky blue bikini she'd brought 'just in case.' Emily's brain froze long enough to miss the vote, and so the team is at the beach.

Emily lounges on a fluffy towel beneath a large, colorful beach umbrella, leaning on her elbows, legs outstretched in front of her. She's wearing her black one-piece bathing suit, a large floppy black hat, and opaque sunglasses, looking like the vampire she wished she was in high school. If it wasn't so hot, she might even have covered her legs with a blanket for good measure.

Reid is sitting up beside her, back straight and legs crossed. He's living on the edge and only wearing swim shorts, the health of his torso only protected by sunblock. Unlike Emily, Reid seems to enjoy beaches, even though he always burns, too.

The rest of the team is in the water, readying themselves for a game of Chicken. Garcia is already on Morgan's shoulders, hands formed into claws. Rossi is the default referee because of his age (although, he says it's because of his 'experience'). JJ and Hotch are arguing about who should hold who up.

From across the beach, Emily can only catch snippets of the conversation, but she gets the gist. JJ says she's strong enough to hold Hotch up, but Hotch things that would be too undignified. Garcia and Morgan start whining and JJ finally relents, putting her foot in Hotch's hand and letting him hoist her up.

Emily keeps her eyes glued on JJ as she swings a leg around Hotch's shoulders to straddle his neck. When JJ settles, she looks over at Emily and flexes her biceps to show off. She blows Emily a kiss.

"I'm winning this one for you, Babe!" she yells over the rolling waves.

Garcia protests the brag, pointing at JJ. Emily can't hear the threat that accompanies her finger as she drags it across her throat, but she's sure it's mostly a joke. Probably. The team in the water laughs and squares up.

"10 bucks on JJ and Hotch," Reid says, grinning at her.

"What?" Emily sputters in response. "No fair! JJ will kill me if she finds out I bet against her."

He just shrugs. "Then you should have bet faster."

She laughs, knowing he's right, and sits up to get a better view. "Ok. 10 bucks it is."

JJ and Penelope grab each other's hands and start trying to pull each other into the water. The intense determination on their faces is both hilarious and terrifying. Emily has been on the receiving end of both thunderous looks and she hopes the friends don't let their competitiveness overwhelm them.

"You girlfriend may punch Garcia," Reid jokes when Garcia almost manages to knock JJ off of Hotch. "I don't know that JJ has ever lost anything ever."

Emily turns to him, frowning. "She's not my girlfriend."

Reid returns her frown with a puzzled look. "Really? But I thought…"

"Don't get me wrong, I'd be her girlfriend in a heartbeat if she asked."

She can practically hear the wheels spinning in his head. He's staring at her, profiling her. She reaches out and pushes his shoulder.

"Stop," she demands. "What is it?"

"Nothing," he responds quickly and unconvincingly. "Why don't you ask her? To be your girlfriend, I mean."

Emily scoffs, rolling her eyes. "Yeah, right. I highly doubt she wants that. We're friends - best friends - and we have sex, sure, but that doesn't always mean something."

That makes his eyebrows shoot up. "I see," he murmurs. He scratches his nose. "Tell me, do you love her?"

"What?" Emily laughs nervously. She stares at him with an open mouth. "That's none of your business."

"Emily, I'm just trying to be a good friend." He smiles his innocent, boyish smile. It disarms Emily despite the tolerance she's built up over the years. "You and JJ are my friends. I'm being supportive."

"Ok, Weirdo," she chuckles. She draws her knees up to her chest and wraps her arms around them. "I...love JJ. A lot. I have for a long time, but she's never said anything. I value our friendship and I'm not going to risk it just because I'm the stupid one who caught feelings."

He hums sympathetically, eyes drifting toward the ocean. "You know, she may be more receptive to a romantic advance than you think. She did turn down Will LaMontagne for you."

"She turned him down because she's a lesbian."

"No, I don't think so," he contradicts thoughtfully. "She's told me about several meaningful relationships with boys in her youth, and I know she had a few casual flings with men before the two of you became… Uh, intimate."

Emily turns back toward the team in the water, heart racing. Could JJ love her? Were Emily's feelings returned? That's hard to believe.

From the safety of her umbrella, Emily takes in the way the sun shines on JJ's golden hair, making it glow like a halo. Her normally tan skin has gotten a little bit darker under the California sun and small trickles of water highlight the lean muscle on her thighs and biceps. She's the picture of health, athleticism, and carefree fun.

Beyond her body, JJ is a stunning example of goodness. Despite the horror she's seen, JJ still cares so deeply. She believes in Emily, in their friendship. She's so kind, always, and she's determined to make Emily be kind, too.

"She's too good for me, Spence," Emily says quietly. "She's… JJ is sunshine, calm, warmth. She's always steady and reliable, even when she's scared or angry or sad. No one has ever cared about me as much as she does and for good reason. I'm not strong like she is. I don't have a lot to offer. My whole life is just a trail of bad decisions and mistakes. I'm just… a dark cloud pretending to be a silver lining."

A loud splash interrupts whatever Reid might have said in response. Garcia cheers loudly as JJ and Hotch re-emerge from under the water. Grinning, Emily holds her hand out to Reid, palm up.

"That'll be $10 please."

He just shakes his head. "My wallet is in the car."

"Uh-huh," she mutters dubiously. "You're not getting out of it that easily."

Reid stands abruptly and makes a bee line for the team in the water. He passes JJ as she walks onto the beach, barely acknowledging her. Frowning after him, Emily opens her mouth to call his name, but she gets distracted by JJ coming toward her.

After her fall into the ocean, JJ is soaking wet. Her hair clings to her neck and shoulders, sending water streaming down her body. Emily reminds herself to breathe as JJ grins at her and jogs the last few feet.

She drops onto her knees on Reid's towel and grins. Small water droplets cling to her eyelashes, making her sky blue eyes look like they're made of stardust. Her cheeks are flushed from the warm sun. It takes every ounce of strength Emily has not to launch herself at JJ and kiss her. Maybe it's taking every ounce of her strength not to cry.

The breathlessly happy sight of JJ pushing damp hair out of her face fills Emily to the brim with love and longing. She wants to lay on top of JJ and warm her cold blood like a serpent on a stone. Emily loves JJ more than she can stand and she thinks it might kill her. It might kill her just to be friends. It might kill her to kiss, but not to keep.

JJ frowns at her and reaches out to cup Emily's cheek. Her thumb brushes away a tear. "Emily?" JJ's soothing voice asks. "Are you ok? Did Reid say something? I can beat him up if you want."

Her mouth opens to tell JJ the truth. She almost says 'I love you.' She almost says 'marry me.' She almost says 'I need you so much it's killing me.' Instead, she says, "he made me bet on Garcia and then Garcia won. Sorry."

"That's why you're crying?" JJ laughs, giving her a quick kiss before dropping her hand. "You're so cute."

Twisting, JJ sits on her butt and stretches her legs out in front of her, wiggling her toes. She gestures across Emily to a small cooler they'd filled with treats. Nodding, Emily goes to open it, glad for the break from JJ's glow.

"What do you think they're talking about?"

Emily pulls out a mango popsicle and tears the plastic with her teeth. She glances at the ocean and the rest of their team. They're gathered around Reid, who's whispering at lightning speed. Periodically, they glance back at the two women on the towel.

"Who knows," Emily mumbles, taking the popsicle out of its wrapper. Handing it to JJ, she avoids her eyes, knowing that it'd be too much to bear if she was the focus of their spotlight. "Here."

"Thanks!" JJ takes it from her, their fingers brushing. "I've been thinking about these all day."

Emily just nods and crosses her legs, slumping forward. "It's so hot," she whines. "I miss the snow."

JJ laughs, her tongue pressed flat against the side of the popsicle. It's already melting, the sweet liquid pooling on her hand. She quickly sucks it up before it can fall onto the towel, giggling. After she swallows, she gives Emily a toothy grin.

"Come on," she teases, raising an eyebrow. "Isn't the heat worth it to see me like this?" Her shoulders shake enticingly. "It feels a little naughty to be so naked in front of the team, doesn't it?"

"Yeah," Emily rasps.

JJ pats her thigh with her free hand, making Emily's skin burn. "Don't worry. It's just for you. Think of it as a little… pre-flight entertainment."

Emily knows then what she has to do. She can't go on like this. JJ has no idea what she's doing to her, how much she's torturing her. Emily loves JJ too much to just be friends. JJ doesn't love her back and that's fine, but Emily needs some distance. She needs time to get over her feelings.

With a content sigh, JJ rests her head on Emily's shoulder, sucking on her popsicle and watching Garcia gasp dramatically. It feels right to be this close to her, but Emily reminds herself of her decision. She doesn't deserve to bask in JJ's sunshine. She belongs in shadows, in the cold, in the moonless dark. JJ needs someone who can turn their petals toward her, not someone who only blooms at night.


	5. Time Five

It takes Emily a few days to work up the strength to start distancing herself from JJ. Even then, she has to start slowly. First, it’s just sitting beside someone else in the conference room, on the plane, during profile presentations. Then, she starts making plans with non-BAU friends, so she has an excuse not to go home with JJ. The next, and possibly last, step is to find someone else to take home. Emily has her eyes on Carla.

The group is at Ziggy’s, drinking and dancing to forget a case, like always. Penelope manages to get Hotch on the dancefloor and he’s doing his best, but Morgan can’t stop laughing long enough to help him find a groove. At their usual table, Emily stands between Reid and Rossi, across from JJ, who is not-so-subtly trying to make eye contact. 

Emily just takes another drink and ignores the way her skin is itching. She misses kissing JJ a lot, but she misses their conversations more. The biggest downside to the distancing process is that they haven’t spent any time alone together. Emily doesn’t trust herself not to cave.

Reid clears his throat and points at Emily glass. “Interesting,” he says loudly, trying to be heard over the dance music. “That’s darker than your usual choices.”

Setting her drink down, Emily narrows her eyes at him. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“...Nothing?”

“I’m trying something new,” she says defensively. “So, what?”

He looks over her head at Rossi. “Is she being unusually hostile?”

Emily scoffs, but Rossi hums in agreement. “I think so,” he confirms. When Emily looks at him incredulously, he just shrugs at her and toasts with his scotch. “Just answering the man’s question.”

“She’s been weird lately,” JJ adds, sounding angry. “She’s been a real bitch, actually.”

The curse word makes Emily’s head jerk up, and she meets steely, blue eyes. JJ’s mouth is twisted into a frown, her nose scrunched as she fights back furious tears. Seeing the hurt on her face makes Emily’s stomach churn. she knows that she’s prioritizing her own emotional safety over hers, but it’s the only way to save their friendship in the long term. JJ will understand eventually.

“Ok,” Emily mumbles before chugging the last few inches of her beer. Swallowing hard, she raises her glass to the table. “I’ll be back. Maybe.”

With that, she steps around Reid and heads for the bar. It’s easier than she expects to ignore the way JJ’s eyes bore into her back. She’s several beers deep and her mind is a little foggy. If she holds her breath, she can almost pretend that she doesn’t love JJ anymore, that this process is worth it.

She watches Morgan finally manage to pull himself together enough to put his hands on Hotch’s hips and guide them back and forth to the beat. Penelope cackles and presses herself against Hotch’s back, putting her hands on his shoulders to control his upper half. The sight is so ridiculous that Emily finds herself laughing as she walks past them.

She turns her attention back to the bar and sets her empty glass down before sliding onto a stool. Carla spots her from the other end of the bar and hurries over, slinging her dishtowel over her shoulder. Reminding herself that she has no reason to feel guilty, Emily runs her eyes over Carla’s body. She moves with a confident gait, drawing Emily’s eyes to her hips, her waist, her bare biceps. Licking her lips, Emily tears her eyes away to meet Carla’s knowing eyes.

“Hello, Emily Prentiss,” Carla drawls, resting her elbows on the bar. “Your round?”

Emily leans forward into Carla’s space and slides her glass forward. “I’ll take it here. Let me buy you one, too.”

Carla’s playfully flirty expression shifts into one of surprise. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Emily responds, lifting a shoulder and winking. She pouts. “Unless you don’t want me to?”

“No!” Carla almost yells, shooting a hand out as if Emily was going to leave. “Stay. Or- You know, I can tell Samuel to cover me. We can just go.”

Laughing, Emily reaches out to tuck an unruly blonde curl behind Carla’s ear. “Slow your roll. Let’s have a drink.”

“Are you serious?”

Emily and Carla freeze at the new voice. When Carla looks over Emily’s shoulder, she pales dramatically and swallows hard. Emily just lets her hand fall onto the bar, knowing exactly who’s behind her. Dread at the inevitable conversation fills her and her heart begins to pump painfully.

“I’m going to go,” Carla mutters, leaving Emily to flee across the bar.

“What do you want?” Emily snaps without turning around. The question comes out harsher than expected and she winces. 

“What do I _want_?” JJ repeats. She lets out a hard breath. “I _want_ you to tell me what the fuck you’re doing.”

Emily schools her face into the calm, pleasant mask she mastered in her teens. Looking over her shoulder, she meets JJ’s red-rimmed eyes. “It’s none of your business. You’re not my girlfriend. I don’t owe you anything.”

JJ takes an unsteady step backward, eyes widening. She just stares at Emily like that, her mouth opening and closing in shock. The devastation on her face makes Emily’s heart break, but she knows that, sometimes, you just have to rip off the bandage. 

Emily starts to turn back to the bar, but JJ grabs her arm and drags her off the bar stool. Before she can even protest, they’re halfway across the dancefloor, heading for the bathrooms. The team on the dancefloor cheers at them, probably thinking that something fun is going to happen in the single-occupancy restroom.

Unfortunately, Emily can tell by the way that JJ throws her into the small, dimly lit room that this is going to be the opposite of fun. JJ slams the door shut and locks it. For a moment, she just places a hand on the door and takes a deep breath.

It’s hard to decide what to do. Emily looks around nervously, noting that her only two options are sitting on the toilet or leaning against the sink. The bathroom is so narrow she can touch any of the walls without extending her arms all the way. JJ is practically pressed to the door and she’s only a foot away. With a heavy sigh, Emily drops onto the toilet seat and puts her hands on her knees.

“Jayje-”

“Are you fucking with me?” JJ asks. Her voice is almost inaudible even in the close proximity. Her fury is radiating off of her, throat tight as she fights to keep her composure. “Is this some kind of joke?”

“What?” Emily leans back against the toilet’s tank. “Is what a joke?”

JJ’s head whips around, her hair flying as she glares at Emily. “What do you mean that I’m not your girlfriend? Did I miss something? Did you- Did you just _decide_ that we were broken up and forget to tell me?”

A migraine begins to form behind Emily’s eyes. The three beers she chugged were coming back to bite her. She hadn’t even gotten drunk; she’d gone straight to hungover.

“I didn’t break up with you,” Emily says slowly, like JJ is being deliberately obtuse. “We were never together?”

The blood drains from JJ’s face as she shakes her head. “No. We’ve been together for over a year, Emily. I wasn’t making it up.”

“ _A year?_ ” Emily repeats, mouth dropping open. “You think we’ve been… You didn’t say anything!”

“What’s there to say?” JJ asks, pushing her hands into her hair. She looks frustrated, confused, and hurt. “We- We’ve been sleeping together. I practically live at your apartment. The whole team knows! I bought you that necklace for our anniversary and you got me a bracelet.”

Emily blinks, her throat tightening as she remembers the gift. “I… just saw that and thought of you. I just wanted to buy you something nice.”

“Fuck, Emily,” JJ cries, turning away. She presses her hands over her eyes. “I told my parents about you. I was going to propose!”

It feels like the world stops spinning. Emily can’t hear anything at all. She can’t hear JJ sobbing into her hands or the faint bass from the dance floor. Her vision blurs around the edges as JJ’s words repeat in her head. JJ was going to propose to her. 

Then, the world began spinning again at dizzying speeds. She thought she might keel over and fall through the floor straight to hell. What had she done? Why couldn’t she have just talked to JJ like an adult? Why was she always such an idiot? 

“Do you…” JJ’s voice trails off and she drops her arms, head falling back. “Oh God. You don’t love me back.”

“Yes, I do!” Emily shouts, surprising both of them. JJ spins around. Her whole face is blotchy from her crying. Stomach turning, Emily forces herself to keep talking. “Jayje, I’ve loved you for so long. I just thought that you didn’t love me back. I thought you just wanted to be friends. I was terrified that if I said something, you’d run away and I’d be left alone.”

A muscle jumps in JJ’s cheek as she clenches her jaw. “How long?” she asks through gritted teeth. “How long have you known that you love me?”

“Since Miami.”

“Since-” JJ slams a fist into the bathroom wall, the sound echoing in the tiny space. She takes a deep breath, meeting Emily’s eyes with determination. “If you loved me then, why would you tell me to date Will?”

Emily clicked her together and dropped her eyes to the floor. “I thought you liked him. You were texting him constantly for months and then he asked you out for coffee. I thought-”

“We had sex,” JJ interrupts, frown deepening. She crosses her arms. “We had sex after he asked me out and you still pushed me toward him.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” Emily says helplessly. She looks up at JJ, tears burning in her eyes. “Will’s a good guy. He’d treat you the way you deserve. You would have been happy with him.”

She scoffs. “I was happy with you.” JJ shakes her head again, still trying to make sense of it all. “You must think I’m a terrible person.” When Emily opens her mouth to protest, JJ holds a hand up. “What kind of person goes on a date and then fucks somebody else? What about all the times I told you to take care of yourself for my sake? You thought I was just being a good friend?”

Emily just shrugs in confirmation. 

“Jesus Christ, Emily,” she mutters, covering her eyes again. “I can’t even look at you right now. We’ve been in two different relationships this whole time. I thought you were just bad at talking about your feelings and I was fine with that. I thought I knew what you were thinking. I thought we were on the same page.”

“I thought the same thing,” Emily rasps, fighting to keep from crying, too. She doesn’t want JJ to see her fall apart. She doesn’t want her to know just how messed up she is. “I thought you just saw me as a friend, as… a warm body.”

JJ laughs humorlessly, a fresh stream of tears running down her face. “You think I’m a monster.”

“No!” Emily stands, moving toward her, but JJ flinches backward and she stops. “JJ, I think you’re an angel. I think you’re the best person I know and that’s why I didn’t say anything. I know that at any moment, you’re going to meet someone better and I’ll lose you. I thought if I- I kept my distance, kept it casual, that it would hurt less when that happened. I thought I’d be able to handle it when… when you finally realized that I wasn’t worth your time.”

“How dare you?”

Emily blinks with surprise. “What?”

JJ’s hand shoots out lightning fast and grabs Emily's shirt. “How fucking dare you? Do you know how _insulting_ it is to hear you talk like that?” She ducks to meet Emily’s downturned eyes. “If you’re so terrible, so unloveable, so _worthless_ than what does that say about me? Because I think you’re amazing. I think you have the biggest heart of anyone I know. I think you are filled to the brim with love and optimism and that scares the shit out of you, so you stuff it down and pretend to be distant, but every second of every day is spent thinking about other people. I also think you’re a coward. I think you knew that I loved you this whole time, but you were too much of a chickenshit to say anything. Every relationship is a risk, Emily. I thought we’d chosen to take that risk together.”

“I’m sorry,” Emily whispers, trembling. In the dim light of the bathroom, she feels painfully exposed. Of course JJ had seen right through her and of course she’d given Emily the time and space to work through her feelings on her own terms. “I’m so sorry. I don’t-” She straightens up, angrily wiping the tears from her eyes. “I don’t know what to do,” she says, frustrated at herself for her weakness. “I’m just tired. Just so tired. I don’t know what you want me to do. I don’t know how to be what you need me to be. I’m not built for this. I don’t know how to do this. I’m- Can you just tell me what I should do?”

The anger drains from JJ’s body and she’s left looking exhausted, her shoulders slumped and her eyes dull. Emily wants to hold her, comfort her. Every cell in her body is screaming at her to close the distance between them, but she doesn’t know if JJ wants that anymore. 

If they’d had this conversation two weeks ago, it would have gone very differently. It might have even been funny. Emily would have revealed that she didn’t know they were officially girlfriends and JJ would have laughed at her for being an idiot. They would have had sex, maybe even pretended that it was their first time again.

Instead, JJ is staring through her like she’s a ghost. Maybe she is. Emily thinks she might not exist at all. She may just be a collection of wishes laying at the bottom of an empty well. She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, trying to control her racing heart.

“I don’t know,” JJ finally mutters. She pinches the bridge of her nose and the gesture is so familiar that Emily has to look away. “I can’t tell you what to do, Prentiss. I’m not your girlfriend.”

She turns around, unlocks the door, and disappears back into the bar. Emily walks in a slow circle until she’s staring into the mirror. Through the layers of sharpie, eyeliner, and lipstick that covers the glass, she sees the pale reflection of a human woman. To her surprise, she’s still alive, still breathing and crying and blinking. She isn’t dead at all.

Sucking down air, she hurriedly turns the sink knobs until a weak stream of water starts flowing out. Cupping her hands, she splashes the water in her face and it wakes her up a little bit. Her migraine is pounding in her head now, but she’s finally thinking clearly.

“Em?” Penelope asks from the doorway. “You good?”

Emily meets her eyes in the mirror. “I need a ride.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look at the title and don't be mad at me!


	6. The First Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the nice comments on this story! I was nervous to start writing for a new ship, but y'all have made me feel very welcome. I've got a lot more coming, so subscribe to me on here if you want to be updated. I also post on tumblr (top-jj-rights) and post edits and things.

JJ pulls into her parking spot and shuts her car off. For a moment, she just sits in her car, hands on the steering wheel and eyes staring into space. Her apartment’s parking garage is silent and it forces her to listen to her thoughts.

She feels like an idiot. Three weeks ago, she felt like she was on top of the world, like she could do anything with Emily by her side. And now? Her plans for the future had flown out the window and she was left crying in her car in an empty garage at half past midnight like she was back in college.

She can’t believe she lived a lie for an entire year. Trying to figure out what happened, she thinks back to their first kiss. It was just after the Tobias Hankel case. JJ kept hallucinating dogs and Emily was the only one who noticed. After they saved Reid, Emily took JJ home. She announced that she was spending the night whether JJ liked it or not.

They’d taken showers, eaten a quick dinner, and crawled into bed, both exhausted beyond belief. Despite herself, JJ curled up against Emily. She fit so perfectly against Emily’s side, her head tucked under Emily’s chin. All the chaos of the world seemed to disappear and JJ could breathe again.

Then, Emily sighed quietly and said, “I’m here for you, JJ. Whatever you need. Whenever you need it.”

JJ finally broke and started sobbing into Emily’s shoulder. She was embarrassed, but Emily just held her tight and let her cry. After she’d calmed down a little bit, JJ looked up at Emily, staring into impossibly dark eyes.

“Distract me,” she begged, only partially knowing what she was asking for. “Please, Emily. This is what I need. I need you.”

Emily hesitated, but she obliged, kissing JJ deeply. It was exactly what JJ wanted. She’d wanted to kiss Emily before then, but she wasn’t sure if Emily was interested. How do you bring up the idea of sex to a coworker without making it weird? 

They had sex for the first time that night and for the second time in the morning. JJ blinks, pulling herself back to the present. She’s the one who asked Emily to sleep over the next time. Actually, she’s always been the one to ask. Emily’s never turned her down, but she’s also never initiated a night together.

JJ’s heart clenches at the thought of Emily thinking that every time might be the last. If JJ had stopped asking, what would have happened? Would it just have ended? If she loved JJ since Miami, then she’d spent so long preparing herself for the hurt.

Thinking about Miami makes JJ’s hands clench around the wheel. She remembers how desperately Emily kissed her. Emily thought that would be the last time they were together, thought JJ would just fuck her and leave her. She knows that Emily doesn’t think JJ is a bad person; she just thinks that she’s not good enough for JJ to love her.

It makes JJ so furious to think about how little Emily thinks of herself. She’d always known that Emily has a hard time accepting affection and letting people care about her, but she thought that they were making progress. After the cult compound, Emily started to be more careful on cases because she promised JJ she would be.

Dropping her forehead to the steering wheel, JJ sighs heavily. They had two different conversations in Emily’s apartment she realizes now. For JJ, they were talking about their relationship, about how JJ would be heartbroken if Emily died. She made Emily promise to think of her when she was in the field. JJ told Emily how much she cared about her. She thought they were talking about love, cementing their relationship even further.

And for Emily? What was she thinking about? Knowing now that Emily never knew about JJ’s feelings makes her comments a little clearer. Emily thought JJ was talking about her recklessness as an FBI agent. Thumping her head against the wheel, JJ wants to kick herself. Emily promised to be a better team player on cases. She asked JJ to care for her, saying she would ‘earn’ the affection.

JJ’s anger grows, but it’s tinted with sadness. What happened to Emily to make her hate herself so much? Tears fall from JJ’s eyes, landing on her thighs, mocking her. How does Emily not know how important she is? How much she means to JJ?

JJ doesn’t even care that Emily has secrets. She wants to know them, of course, but she gave Emily space and time to open up on her own. She never did, though. Even as they grew closer (as friends, she thinks bitterly), Emily kept her past close to her chest. JJ was willing to overlook that. She was willing to let Emily stay a mystery.

Maybe that is JJ’s problem. Maybe she shouldn’t have given Emily so much space. After all, she never actually told Emily that she loved her. She expressed it in other ways, but she didn’t want to push. She wanted their relationship to be easy. Her own hypocrisy hits her like a freight train.

What risk had she taken? At the bar, she told Emily that relationships are risk, but what risk had she really taken? Telling their friends about the fact that they were sleeping together? JJ didn’t even tell them. She let them figure it out and never denied it. She is just as bad as Emily.

If she is honest with herself, she knew something was wrong. Just like Emily pretended not to know that JJ loved her, JJ ignored the signs that Emily wasn’t totally present in the relationship. They never went on dates. They never said they were girlfriends. They never even talked about being exclusive.

The thought of Emily letting someone else touch her makes JJ nauseous. She quickly takes her seatbelt off and finally gets out of her car. She almost leaves her bag on the passenger seat, but grabs it at the last second, slamming her door shut. The sound echoes in the small garage, making her jump.

She’s exhausted. She just wants to crawl into bed and cry herself to sleep. As she walks to the elevator, she laughs bitterly. Even now, she doesn’t know where their relationship stands. Did they break up? Did their talk mean they were going to be together officially? JJ is too tired to think about it right now.

She presses the button for the elevator, thankful when the door slides open immediately. Stepping inside, she hits the button for the third floor and slumps against the back wall. The doors close and she sees her own reflection.

More than anything else, she’s angry at herself. She’s so mad that she put herself in this position. Relationships never work out, she knows that. If you let yourself be vulnerable, put yourself in someone else’s hands, then you’re going to get hurt. JJ should never have let the team find out about her relationship with Emily. She should never have gotten involved with a coworker.

The elevator stops on her floor and she pushes herself off the wall. The walk to her apartment feels like a marathon, but eventually she makes it to her door. She starts digging through her purse for her keys when she hears the door unlock from the inside.

It swings open and she looks up to see Emily standing in front of her, looking nervous, but hopeful. They stare at each other silently for a long time. Finally, JJ recovers enough to roll her eyes and push past her into her apartment.

“I’m really not in the mood,” JJ bites, tossing her purse onto her couch. “Go fuck someone else.”

“JJ-”

“Stop it.” JJ turns to glare at her. Emily closes the front door, locking it again. “You need to leave.”

“Jayje-”

“I’m not kidding, Emily. Get out of my apartment or I’ll call the police. I’m serious. I’ll shoot you.”

Emily curls into herself before freezing and standing up straight. “No.”

“No?” JJ repeats incredulously. “ _No?_ ”

“I am not going anywhere,” Emily confirms. She points to the couch. “Sit.”

JJ scoffs, shaking her head in disbelief. “I can’t believe this.”

“Jennifer, shut up and sit down.”

The order startles JJ so much that she obeys, dropping onto the couch and staring up at the woman in front of her. She doesn’t know what Emily is going to say, but her heart is caught in her throat and her stomach begins to churn. Emily’s face is set in determination, her jaw clenched. 

She shakes her hair out of her face and crosses her arms, widening her stance. JJ realizes why this pose is familiar. Emily looks like she’s about to interrogate an unsub. The thought almost makes her smile, but she starts trembling again.

“I’m really smart,” Emily says, her voice calm and tight. “I was reading at the college level by the time I was nine. I got a perfect score on the SAT and the ACT. I speak more languages than anyone else on the team and I can always beat Reid at chess. I’m very smart.”

JJ blinks. “Um, ok?”

Nodding, Emily continues. “I’m funny, witty, and great to have at parties. My mother always brought me along to events, even meetings, because I can disarm people easily. I’m generous beyond belief. I donate so much money it’s ridiculous. I buy gifts for people I know just because I want to and I can. I’m beautiful. I’ve been told I should model since I hit puberty and I might have briefly had a successful career in Japan.” She hesitates when JJchuckle. The corners of her lips quirk up in a smile, but she quickly schools her face. “I can convince anyone to do anything with just a flutter of my lashes. I look good in just about anything. My nose is perfect, my jawline is sharp as hell, and I have the best breasts on the planet. Sorry.”

“It’s ok,” JJ responds automatically. She’s still not sure what’s going on, but it’s hard to disagree with Emily’s points. “What are you doing?”

“I’m a good person,” Emily continues, ignoring the question. “I can be a coward, but I’ll jump into danger for anyone. I love easily and deeply and it scares the hell out of me. You were right. It absolutely terrifies me to have anyone care about me. I have self-worth issues, even though I’m filled to the brim with admirable qualities. I’m bad at relationships, but I’m great in bed. I’m a very hard worker.”

“Emily-”

“That’s why you love me.” She finally takes a breath, blinking nervously. She walks toward JJ, stopping just before their knees touch. “You love me because I’m smart, beautiful, personable, generous, kind. You _also_ love me because I’m insecure and I’m scared and I’m vulnerable. You like that I need you, that you can take care of me, that you make me better.”

JJ swallows, looking away. Is it bad if Emily is telling the truth? Not just about her good qualities, but about her bad ones. JJ loves the way Emily looks like her as if she’s impossible. She likes knowing how much power she has over such a strong woman. When Emily falls apart beneath, comes with a sob in her ear, JJ feels like god. 

Maybe that’s why she stayed with her for so long, even after she knew things weren’t right. Maybe JJ needs Emily, too. She needs someone to think she matters. JJ wants someone to stay.

“JJ,” Emily sighs, kneeling in front of her. She places her hands on JJ’s knees, leaning against her. “Jennifer Jareau, if you had asked me to be your girlfriend a year ago, I would have said yes.”

“I’m sorry,” JJ starts to apologize. “I didn’t-”

“Let me finish,” Emily interrupts, smiling fondly. “As I was saying, I would have said yes, _but_ I think the same thing would have happened. Over the past year, I have fallen so, so in love with you, JJ. You’re my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night. I can’t imagine a future that you aren’t in and, frankly, I don’t want to. You’re it for me, Jareau.”

JJ laughs and reaches out to cup Emily’s face in her hands. “How do you exist, Emily Prentiss? You’re too good to be true.”

“I know.”

She grins smugly and JJ just laughs again, raising her eyebrows. “Wow.”

“Yeah, see, I’m trying this new thing where I don’t insult my _girlfriend_ by insulting myself.”

“That’s a good idea!” JJ caresses Emily’s cheeks with her thumbs. “I wonder who you got it from.”

“From my girlfriend,” she mumbles into JJ’s palm. Suddenly, she tenses, head whipping around to stare at JJ with wide eyes. “Wait, this worked, right? We’re- We’re girlfriends now?”

Snorting, JJ leans forward and crashes her lips into Emily’s. That same hungry feeling she always gets when she kisses Emily fills her. She’ll never get enough, never be satiated. Emily is too addicting. 

Breaking the kiss, JJ presses their foreheads together. “You are my girlfriend. I am your girlfriend. We are in a relationship. We are exclusive. What else? Oh! I’m going to move in with you.”

Emily beams at her, nose crinkling and eyes sparkling. “Can I get that in writing?”

JJ just kisses her again, grabbing her biceps and pulling her up. Straddling JJ’s thighs, Emily wraps her arms around her shoulders getting as close as possible. As they kiss slowly, JJ realizes that her exhaustion has faded. It feels like Emily has brought her to life again.

"I'm going to do this right for you," Emily mutters against her lips. "We're going to talk. I'll take you out to my favorite places. We'll fill out that stupid relationship form. I'll get a tattoo of your face on my ass."

Laughing, JJ nips at Emily's lip. "Can I get that in writing?"

“I love you,” Emily moans into JJ’s mouth. “I love you so much.”

“I love you, too. Remind me to tell you constantly.”

“I have a question,” Emily mumbles, her eyes still closed. She kisses JJ again, reluctant to pull away long enough to talk. “Do you love me?”

“I love you,” JJ answers. Her hands clutch Emily’s shirt and she rips it over her head. “Do you love me?”

“Forever.”


End file.
